Tuesday, June 8, 2010

ahhhhh

i went to the phsyciatrist again and told her everything...well...not really. when she asked me if the only time i had cut myself was when my mum saw, i said yes. annnddd i told her nothing of anything that happened in my old town. im so ashamed of what i did, that only a few people know, mainly cos they were involved. but she gave me homework; "imagine a beach, with the ocean water spreading all around it. there is a boat on the shoreline. the beach is where you are now. and the boat will take you to where you want to be. name that place. next session, you have to have a name of the place you want to be". i have no idea what im going to answer that with....happyville? lol

*sigh*

emma xx

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Diagnosis

well, i went to the doctors, and the phsyciatrist. Doctor made me do a depression test, and apparently im depressed cos she directed me to the phsyciatrist. ive been once there...and the lady who im talking to is nice, but...shes..well you can tell shes treating me like the biggest kid ever. i might be fourteen, but theres no need for little girl jokes...i was pretending to laugh at them. Im due back there tomorrow. great. Hopefully she has the aircon on this time cos last session i was sweating on her leather seats :/ shouldnt have worn skinnies, and a jumper. haha. I have the biggest cold right now. Winter is taking over ahhh! i cant rely on my nose to breath anymore, all blocked.
and on top of everything thats been happening to me, a family "friend" decided he would play god and tell my twin sister she was a stubborn bitch...and more but lets not get into the details.. so i say, fuck his family. My sister is having a tough time on her own too, not that im gonna share her story, but she has every right to be a stubborn bitch, especially to dickheads like him..

so thats whats happening now. :/ ill post soon :)

emmaxx

Friday, May 28, 2010

growing up..

I hate it...the thought..everything..do you remember when you were a kid..and you told everyone that when you grow up "your never going to take drugs or steal..or do anything like those bad people do.." Well now..ive become one of those bad people...wagging..hanging out with people while they got high...ive become everything i said i wouldnt...

Monday, May 24, 2010

Replaced...

well, i cant say i didnt see it coming. what i havnt told you yet, is i fell "in love" with her boyfriend and she still managed to forgive me. But...shes been acting really normal with me. not sure if its acting but..its like my best friend doesnt want to talk to me anymore. When i text her with "hello" she always cuts the non existant conversation short by saying something like "okay, bye ems xoxo really miss you. talk to you soon". How am i supposed to know she still likes me? i havnt talked to her in ages now. Her facebook posts have been saying things like "i love my bffl's" meaning there is another best friend, who she talks to, and is actually able to hang out with. Well. im here, six hours away from her and have no idea if she still wants to be my friend. i dont blame her...friends for 4 years and i just HAD to go and "like" her boyfriend...Id liked him for a while. then he emailed me saying he loved me...he wrote it in a song..well that put me on the spot of chosing him? or her? so i chose her and this is where i am...i dont want to lose a friend like her..

So being replaced comes with alot of other feelings...alone, hurt...discouraged..did i say alone? well...it sucks.

so byes for now.

emma xx

Friday, May 21, 2010

Alone

Have you ever had the feeling..or the moment...that your life is going absolutly nowhere? that you have nobody to live for...nothing to look forward to....that its all just...over.

Now dont get me wrong. ive had this moment lots of times. but...this time...its like..i KNOW its not going to get any better. I just have to stop it from getting worse. And..its kind of sad..but my life is pretty good compared to others out there. its that im complaining about mine..and they're not. I have parents who care...a beautiful best friend...its just i feel so far away from everyone...i feel alone. I AM alone. I sat for two hours yesterday looking over the river.. see where i live, there is a river..about a five minute walk from my house. next to the river, somebody was nice enough to put a seat/bench there. Who knows how many people had sex on that chair. but i didnt care. yesterday, i was sitting there, hoping somebody, anybody, would come and talk to me. my best friend who is six hours away, has...well not stopped talking to me..she's..well maybe she might. but we havnt talked, and im becoming desperate. i have a feeling im being replaced. Im more alone than ever.

thanks guys :)

emma xx

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Ultimate Pity Party

well today was so ordinary, that i thought the same ordinary things were going to happen. So i had PE, Home ec, Math, and English. all the same working habit...no work at all. :) And me, my friend and my other friend (lol)went around trying to get some money off people we knew. turns out the other friend had ten dollars in her wallet anyway, so we really didnt need to scab that extra 6. We bought lunch, got in trouble for eating that lunch in an out of bounds area, and that was it for school really. But walking home...well, i was walking. (no duh) and i had my headphones in, my awesome grey jacket on..and some guy rode past me on his bike. he turned around and smiled at me before riding off again. Oh..did i mention he was hot? haha. buuttt all good things must come to an end..as soon as i got home my 18 year old sister started going off at me for no reason. same old same old. but this time..i dont know...maybe its because im in withdrawal from cutting myself or..i dont know but...i went to my room..and cried. I CRIED. From a one minute yelling session... i cried. but Renee (my online councellor) says its okay to cry. but i think differently. if i start crying over little things like that im going to become a little drama queen. D: and NOBODY likes a drama queen. especially me >.< so thats my day. and so i guess i havent really improved. in fact i think ive gotten alot worse after this pity party.

Thanks

emma xx

Monday, May 17, 2010

2nd day is paradise :)

Today was like a storybook..or a movie..you know how if your sad, it will just coincidentally rain? Well that happened today. And gee...was it cold. i was jumperless. all day, i was shivering looking at other people with umbrellas. envy written on my face. i was sad because of the ussual. i got in trouble with the school again for not going to form class. Late note it was. But no..the school hates me because i wagged. good start for me seeing as i JUST moved here like two months ago. im pretty sure i have a reputation for being an emo, drugged up slut. if thats what they think then sure, lets just go with that then shall we? i laugh when people call me emo, because nobody knows that i actually AM. so that was my day. no councellor nothing. but my twin sister, who i thought i meant nothing to, told me she lived for me and her boyfriend. We were happy all afternoon. first time we have gotten along for a while now. so right now i can smile and mean it. :) I havnt cut myself for a week now. So i guess im either progressing or bottling it up without realizing it. thanks guys

emma xx

Saturday, May 15, 2010

first of all..

okay, so im the kind of person who lies to people. but not normal lies i guess...more saying "im okay" when im not. im an emo girl. yep. i have my reason for it too, but this is the internet. almost everyone nowadays is emo anyway..so i guess that doesnt matter. Im 14 soon 15 so of course still living with parents. my bestfriend used to be emo. so my parents are worried that im going to copy her. i was doing it before my best friend started. you know...i dont think much of it. and i do it it hidden places so nobody can call me "attention seeking". yes..so i was sitting on the couch the other night, and my luck ran out. my pants had slipped up and mum saw the cuts. great. although mum and dad were very sympathetic and everything...i didnt want them to think they failed at parenting. they are already having trouble with my twin sister..so...i just didnt want them to know. i wagged school a week ago, and they also found out about that. i had my phone, computer, everything taken from me. meh, i deserved it. me and my best friend (friends for 4 years) live 6 hours away from eachother, because i moved. ive been really unstable. but i havnt admitted that to anyone except now...using the internet. :/ . then thats when mum saw the cuts. i have to do councelling, which is why i made this blog. so i can track the progress of my therapy.
i dont want to go. but ive caused enough trouble with my family. so i guess thats it.

ill write when my therapy starts. which is soon. lets see if i can stop feeling sorry for myself eh?

emma xx